Married Yet?

The other day I saw a woman I had written about in my poem The Game. When we were teens she and a boy tried to kiss me in my livingroom. We passed a few words asking about family. She asked if I was still at the last place she knew I lived. She asked if I was married - yet. I don't even remember if I answered the married yet question and if I did it was a quick response and on to something else. Why do people from my past keep asking me if I am married - yet? HA! I think she has children. I've heard a rumor about her (wink) but I'm not interested enough to care.

The boy in the playhouse, we were less than ten years old, had honey brown skin and was pretty to me but now I would say he was handsome. I wanted a kiss not so much from him but just to know what a kiss felt like from a pretty person. His sister was pretty too but I knew I would never get near enough to her for a kiss. (wink)

Startle Me

i didn't mean to startle you, she said when i turned my head slightly
and glimpsed her standing close behind me
i said i did not feel her back there
what i didn't say was that she could startle me anytime
as i worked i kept smiling secretly to myself and hoped she would come back
and startle me again
or just stand close beside or behind me
in the short time that we have known each other by being co-workers,
i have been aware of her watching me (without looking at me)
or coming over to stand near me - even if not too close
i like it when she stands close behind me when it isn't necessary
i like it when she makes unnecessary body contact with me
well can it really be unnecessary since she purposely does it?
is she single? i like her eyes
i've never seen her in a dress or makeup - but under that cap she is womanly
in the way she talks and walks - heck, she can stand still
and she don't have to be size zero
some women are just - she is just ...
i'm not sure yet about what she is playing at
but i like the way she plays with me
while others are only a few steps away
a couple of days later
i told her to come back and startle me
she did
hmm, some women are so - fun
i have to censor myself at the work place
i'm behaving myself (wink)

Go to the Store

At a store I frequent, I think the cashier thought I was interested in her because she wouldn't talk to me unless I asked her where something was. The store items keep getting moved around so even though I go there often, I sometimes have to ask where something is or if they have what I want. One day I entered the store and a female ex-classmate came up to me and gave me a hug. Whenever she sees me, she calls to me and gives me a hug - she did that day. A few days after that I entered the store and a couple of my female cousins were there and we passed a few words. I made the comment that sometimes I was at this store two or three times in one day or twice a week because mom can't stand to have a dollar in her pocket. Both cousins laughed and the older one agreed with me. Since then when I enter the store, the cashier is friendlier toward me. One day I entered the store and didn't see her off to the side. She spoke to me first and surprised me. Now she smiles and says hello to me whereas before she didn't smile and barely said anything to me unless I asked her something. Day before yesterday, mom was with me at that same store and the cashier was smiling and talking.

I have got to get back into dating mode again because yesterday, a woman was standing in line behind me who got my attention but all I could do was turn again to look at her and say hi. Well at least I'm noticing women again. Thanks my web-ladies, you know who you are. Talking to you all have perked me up some. :)

And this last bit is in response to a few things I've read at other L-sites. I am a woman, not butch or femme, but a lezbian who doesn't have a type - I like who I like. The woman I saw yesterday and made an effort to say hi to, by appearance is "butch" or what I understand "butch dress" to be. I don't like using those terms to refer to other women but do so here to say some things are interpretation but can't tell how a woman identifies herself. I don't know her sexuality but I got a vibe and it had little to do with her clothing.

There were several people behind me. When I first turned and glimpsed the person directly behind me it was a combination of things that made me turn again. If it had been a guy I would not have turned gain. But in that glimpse I took in "male clothing" but at the same time getting the impression that the person was a woman. If happened fast and so I turned again and looked right into her eyes and the "hi" and smile just came out. So it was a combination of the clothing her female essence and her eyes and the way she said "hi" back. :)

SummerTime

Women will send me e-mails but don't want to talk to me here at SPT. :) I wasn't trying to get a date with the previous post, which I have deleted. That was just an experiment trying to get women to stop being shy about approaching a woman first, even anonymously, and say hello. You don't have to be intimidated by women or embarrassed about talking to a woman. You should ask yourself what you are interested in so that you can have something to talk about in casual conversation. Some women seem too concerned about about wanting a "type" of woman than wanting a woman. Start with conversation, you might be surprised.

I haven't been in the mood to work on stories and I don't like to post them unless they are finished or can stand alone. The following is just a couple of random things I wrote just to post something new.

----------Summertime
A couple of weeks ago, I was standing in line to pay a bill and the woman behind me was talking to other people behind me. I liked her voice. I can't remember if I started talking to her first but we made small talk and she said she liked to hear the teller speak and that she looked good for her age. I agreed. The woman kept making body contact with me. Right there with all those people standing close and watching. Was she flirting with me or was she just one of those hetero-women who have to touch women when they talk?? I can't always tell because I bring that out in some women. Whatever, I just enjoyed it. I couldn't see her face, her eyes because she was behind me and I could only turn my head slightly to talk and listen. I don't think she did that with who she was talking to before talking to me. Hey, maybe neither of us wanted to be too obvious standing with a crowd behind us watching and listening. If I had not been in a hurry, I would have waited outside until she came out and talked to her a bit more. And I could have checked out her ring finger. She has a son but she didn't mention a man when she was talking to someone else before talking to me. Usually a woman talks about her kids and her man if she has them.

Hey woman, if you are reading this, then say hello the next time you see me and give me a wink. ;) Hmm, us WWLW need a signal to identify each other. Maybe a tug on the left ear or make an L with index finger and thumb and hold it up to your ear. That's for the women who are too shy to let anyone know she is a lesbian. Use the L-signal. Maybe get an L pin and wear it on your left sleeve. The rainbow symbol is too obvious. I'm being silly, but some females worry too much about outing themselves but want to be able to identify and be identified without announcing it.

I burned my hand while frying chops without an oven mitt on. And a few days ago I got a rash on the same hand while out doing yard work. I need to wear gloves when working outside because I think I'm allergic to a plant. I'm delicate. :) It's too hot now to do more than run out quickly to do errands and then back inside out of the heat. But I can stay outside for hours working in the yard. I keep telling myself to eat and drink water before I begin doing yard work. But I didn't do it the other day and I was exhausted. It felt good though to be out in fresh air and sunshine.

I have been watching a video of Rosemary & Thyme (BBC Mystery) and got inspired to work in the yard. So I dug up some plants and moved them, trying to make a better design than them growing just anywhere. I really don't have a green thumb but I'm a little anxious to see if they take root and continue to grow. I'm thinking of buying some flower seeds and just toss them in the boarder area. I like the wild look better than the carefully arranged look, although I did try to have a nice arrangement with the transplants.

No, I have not used the computer to learn about gardening. Well, I just binged gardens and glanced at a page at Aboutdotcom. Hmm, I wonder if I can grow tomatoes. I like tomatoes. Naw, too much trouble. I'd rather just rake leaves, prune a little, and toss seeds and see what happens. I also did a little sawing and drilling and now I feel muscles that I forget about until I do activity like work in the yard.

I caught the attention of a couple of men who were also doing yard work and one asked if I needed any help. Why can't a woman ask me that. :) I haven't seen any women in my neighborhood working in their yards. A female neighbor did throw up her hand at me though. Hey, I'm not doing yard work hoping to attract women. I do it for the exercise, fresh air and sunshine. It would just be more interesting if a woman stopped to talk while I was dirty and sweating. :) Okay, I'm being silly now. It's 2:15am Monday morning, time for me to turn off this computer and turn in. Have a good week readers.

Salty, the introvert :)

As SPT readers know, I am a Melissa Etheridge fan. I am editing this post to remove the comment I made about Melissa and Tammy's breakup. Some people are taking sides without knowing what is actually going on inside M&T's relationship. I was just hoping they would get back together. But I believe that people should separate if the relationship is not good. So still not taking sides, I wish for both of them the best whether it be together or a part.

The following is from my original post: I'm an introvert, not self-absorbed but just shy and do well being by myself. I like people and can be sociable and I'm out-spoken about things when I need to be, but there are times when I just need to be by myself and do what I like to do, which is write. I don't like to be interrupted and I'd rather not have a verbal argument because I don't respond immediately to someone calling me. I have put so much time in doing things for others that I need time to relax and I relax by writing. Sometimes I have to make myself stop writing and mingle with people.

If you have read other post of mine then you know I can be wordy. But that is how I get things out of my head. And I write way more than what I have posted here at SPT. I have a cousin who is an introvert and some think he spends too much time alone. My mother told me that one of her brothers was that way too. So it is a character trait. We don't separate from people because we don't like people but because we need to be alone sometimes to think and do what we like to do away from people, even if it is just in another room with the door closed and the music playing.

I recently read a post on a message board where the poster was talking about wanting time just for herself, no phone, kids, lover, work - just time for herself. I know at least a couple of people who are always busy doing something, moving from here to there as if being still is wrong. Some people are not comfortable being alone and being still.
----------
introvert: a shy person. 2. Psychology. a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings (opposed to extrovert).

extrovert: an outgoing, gregarious person. 2.Psychology. a person characterized by extroversion; a person concerned primarily with the physical and social environment (opposed to introvert).

http://dictionary.reference.com

The psychology definition of introvert and extrovert does not fully convey how I am. Both words makes it seem like an introvert is mostly interested our own thoughts and don't have much interest in other people feelings and are not "concerned" with the world we live in. If anything, I absorb so much of everything, including the feelings of others that I need time to myself because it can all become overwhelming.

Family Matters

When my cousin first got married, I was a bridesmaid. I didn't reach for the tossed flowers. When she married again, I attended that wedding. Recently she renewed her marriage vows but I did not attend. I didn't because I know she voted against me having the legal right to get married. She is a minister and thinks she should follow the writings in an ancient book when it comes to other people's lives. Last week when we attended a family cookout, she said she was jealous because I attended that event and not hers. Her sister said me and her had a special connection like that and laughed it off. I get along with all my cousins even though they think homosexuality is "wrong". It's wrong for them but right for me.

At the cookout, the sisters had to go to the store to get a few more things and told me to come with them. They make an effort to include me in things and get irritated when I don't participate. They are Black hetero-women who think women should be with men but they both have had friends and aquaintances who are gay and lesbian. We don't talk about my sexuality. One of them have asked a couple of times about a woman I was close to but she hasn't lately. My minister cousin doesn't treat me any differently than she does anyone else in the family and neither does my other family members. Yes, some still make stupid comments about gay people but it no different than how they talk about hetero-people. People like to gossip. I don't care much for the word "dyke" or "fag" which some of them use, but some gay people also use those words.

What I've noticed is that many heterosexuals who have a negative opinion about homosexuality really don't treat homosexuals any differently than they treat heterosexuals that they get along with. It makes me wonder just how much of the negativity is due to socialization. Some hetero-women have no problem with being friends with a gay man but don't want to be friends with a lesbian because they might be thought of as gay by association. Some hetero-men have no problem with being friends with a lesbian but don't want to be seen even talking to a gay man.

I told my best web-friend about hetero-women I knew who had no problem with talking to me in public but they wouldn't come to my house or go out with me unless others were in the group. She said it was the same way for her. And that is because they don't want their sexuality to be questioned and rumored about. There are women I went to school with and wasn't very close to but when we see each other now we greet each other with smiles and sometimes even hugs. So basically, I'm greeted like they greet others. They would not go out to lunch alone with a male because it would LOOK like a date and they wouldn't have a male come to their house because it would be assumed that something other than talking was happening. And that is the same reason they will not be alone with me. It wouldn't look right. They don't ask me about kids the way a couple of women have done who try to be smart alerky, which I ignore.

Okay, I get it. Some heterosexuals are also limited in who they can openly spend time with. A lot of people are put into little boxes that they don't permit themselves to outgrow. Many people don't make real friends with or date someone of another "race" or "religion" because their family and friends might not approve. So a social divide due to sexuality is just another way to keep people disconnected from each other. But some people make the effort to be as open as they can be toward others not exactly like them.

Oh, my minister cousin was standing over my shoulder one day and saw that I was viewing a lesbian site. She didn't preach at me. As a matter of fact, when my computer stopped working she brought me a used laptop she had. She has even said recently that what people do is none of her business but she doesn't want to see it. And I have no problem with that because I don't want to see heterosexuals kissing and carrying on in public either. Sometimes, depending on the situation, gay people should just understand that some heterosexuals are not mean because they think homosexuality is wrong. As with anything else, it is how people actually treat you personally that counts. I know I have had an a positive impact on how my family, friends and acqaintances now view homosexuality. I don't have to shout that I'm a lesbian. I just am. And all that means is that my romantic/sexual interest will be a woman. Some of my neighbors wave and don't stop their kids from playing in my yard, using my tables and chairs to play on. People gossip but so what, they gossip about anybody.

So basically, all these words is just to say - live your life by respecting yourself and don't allow the attitude of others sway you from being who you are. Each person has a little box, their comfort zone, so don't try to force people to change who they are the same as you don't want someone trying to change you. Respect yourself, be respectful to others and recognize that actions speak louder than words. People who yell and cuss while trying to belittle others usually can't have an intelligent discussion about what they are so riled about. Hence, they are not worth listening to or trying to talk to. Everyone's opinion matters but no one's opinion is more valuable than anyone elses.

Family matters and we don't all have to agree on everything but loving and respecting each other is how you keep the family together and strong.

Shake It Off

this morning melissa etheridge was on at 9am where she was interviewed and performed some past hits and a couple of songs from her new album "fearless love" - the lyrics to that song "the wanting of you"got to me a little teeny bit - sometimes i think about - don't want to think about - but i do sometimes think about - that song made me think about - a woman - that married a man - had his children and - and i sometimes wonder - does she - ever - think of her past - does she ever think about those days - those nights of her and - me - i can't write music - i can't play my guitar well - but i can write about it and sing in my head - the sometimes pain in my heart - comes thumping back - deep breath - silent sigh - it's okay to think of the past - it's okay to remember - it's okay to shed a tear - it still stings sometimes - but i didn't die - it just means - for me - it was real - don't think too deeply about it - just feel - when i'm asked - if i've ever been in love - i shake my head and mumble - no - part of me loved each and every one - but there is always that extra special - sweet one - who just ended up being a name i can't say out loud - or write down - i was her secret darling - but it's okay - she had her reason for walking away - i wasn't the reason that made her go - although - some would say the reason was me - i wasn't a man you see - okay i shook that off - reading post at lesbian sites - also make me pause - because many are by - women - who are married to men - but wants to be with a - woman - most women I know are - married - to men and every once in a while - i get a look - you can imagine that look - a look that i ignore - i'm way past being a woman's after dark delight - how hard will it hit - if one day i go to a site - just to browse - and see her pic and profile - any of their pics and profiles - that say - lesbian - single - divorced - children - just looking - thump - deep breath - silent sigh - shake it off

I Was A Teen Lesbian

What is it about me, that even from a young age, females were always trying me? Sex appeal - even way back then? HA! One teen-day, I was standing with several other girls when my best friend, at the time, put me against the fence and put a leg between mine. Yeah, just thinking about it, I'm smiling right now. The other girls said "awww!". It was day time and very out in the open. Guess what? One of the other girls had did more with me in private than what had just been done to me in public.

The friendship with the fence girl ended abruptly. Not because of the public display. My first female heartbreak. Losing a friend can hurt just as bad as losing a girlfriend. Hey girl, if you are reading this, give me a call and say hi. I see her every once in a while. The last time I saw her she reached out and pulled my thin jacket closed against the winter chill and introduced me to her boyfriend (or husband). I don't even know what he looks like because I was just looking at her and smiling. Hey, it wasn't that cold so did she just need to touch me - right there in front of her man - all these many years later? (wink)

One of the girls that had said "awww" was my first girl kiss. She was actually my first kiss. We spent time in her bedroom with the door locked. We sat in a tree one day and she leaned in to kiss me but realized that we could be seen. That wild field is now a parking lot and every time I think back to then, I think of the song lyric "they paved paradise and put up a parking lot". Or I hear that song and think about that almost kiss in our tree. We use to make a tent outside, using a blanket for the floor and one for the roof. A fence was the back and we'd clip newspaper to the roof blanket to make walls for privacy. We'd sit in our tent and k i s s. I now know that not all girls who kiss girls are like me. Back then, I didn't have a word for me liking girls.

She was a little older than me, so when she was at an age to date boys, she did -- and got pregnant. By then we had stopped spending time together, but it stung anyway. After that, relationships were just whatever they were with no expectations on my part. I learned early that I can't control what other women do or who they spend time with when not with me.

I've read post by hetero-women who say they suddenly fell for a woman. Yeah, and? I've being doing that since I was ten. And some teens post they were "straight" their whole life but now is crushing on a girl. Their whole life? I read in a mag, maybe the New Yorker, about a group of girls who paired up and kissed in a basement. Each pair had a girl who played the boy. Okay, if they need to think they should only kiss boys then the brainwashing worked on some of them. It didn't work on me because I still prefer kissing girls and don't have to be a "boy" to do it.

I have a web-friend who is married to a man but she is in love with a woman who is also married to a man. Up until she fell for that woman she didn't notice women checking her out, but now she does. And she now notices other women in an hmm way. If more women would just loosen up and just peep outside that box they are in, life could be more fun. There doesn't have to be any lines crossed. I'm a lesbian but I notice when a man is checking me out. I take it as flattery that someone finds me attractive enough to look. Yeah, women checking me out is more fun but it is all flattering since I don't be trying to catch anyone's attention. Well, sometimes my eyes don't obey me.

The other day, I talked with a cashier the whole time she was ringing my purchase. Well, except for when she was counting my change. We just stood and talked and then she walked to the door with me where the bag guy was waiting with my basket. I pointed to the vehicle I was riding in so he could go ahead. Don't rush me when I'm talking to a woman.

So, all you lesbian & bi-women who have just accepted yourself and want to feel more comfortable talking to women, just talk to them. Women are everywhere. If you like someone, you have to be bold enough to at least in a subtle way, let a woman know you find her interesting enough that you will take time to talk to her. Even if it leads nowhere, just enjoy being in a woman's presence and having her attention. Eye contact, a smile, conversation and charm can work. You've got to start somewhere. START MAKING SOME NICE MEMORIES.

I've been reading blogs by lesbians and have read only one or two that tell about the writers having girlfriends while a teenager. So if you are a blogger and have written about growing up a lesbian, say hi because sometimes I feel like I'm the only one with good teen memories of playing with sweet girls.

My Creative Side

When in elementary school, I liked being in school plays. I memorized everyone's lines. I liked performin but there were no images on television that made me think I could be an actress. There were Black female singers but I didn't fit the profile, so I didn't see myself pursuing that avenue, but I love music and perform in the privacy of my room. Being in the church choir was nice but I don't go to church anymore. I remain in my hometown and occasionally there is love and drama and comedy which sometimes end up in a story or poem.

I'm still waiting for a movie with a romantic love story between two Black lesbians and neither gets killed or raped and are together at the end. Maybe I should get out my ancient video camera and hold auditions.

A decade or so ago, a movie studio opened up not far away and I had thought about checking it out, but I knew the stories being made there was not going to be tales I was interested in being part of. It's been several years since I've heard anything about it, so it might not be there anymore.

The internet is fantastic. I can be creative, blog my stories and poems, and sometimes even get feedback. Now, I need to get a scanner so that I can add my art work to my blog. I have not drawn anything in a long time with just a pencil on paper. These days, I use words to create pictures.

Where To Find Women

One day this week, I went to the hospital to see a relative. In the elevator on the way up, a guy I was with made a sound referencing the attractive female hospital worker that got off before we did. Later, when I was in my relative's room, I tried not to take too much notice of another woman drawing blood. My relative wasn't doing well, and I should not have been thinking about that woman. When she stood a couple of arm lengths from me, my eyes didn't do what I wanted them to do, ignore that very fine woman in the black jeans. My ill relative, who always has a woman, would have understood my momentary shift of focus. My eyes went down her back and ended at her black sneaks and my eyes finally obeyed me, and locked on the shoes and then away. A couple of years ago, I was at the hospital, sitting in the lounge, when a female worker said I should volunteer. I think both of our G-dars were working. I didn't volunteer and haven't seen her since. Hmm, I'm thinking I should go hang out at the hospital, it's definitely a place where women are every day. (wink)

I Am Who? (and what do i want)

I recently found out what the big secret was concerning my birth. My name on the birth certificate has me with Mom's maiden name. As it turns out, my mother was not married to my father when she had me. Since she did not want to talk about it, I was thinking that maybe the other guy was my father. Now I look at her and laugh because she still doesn't want to talk about it. Oh the shame of it all -- having sex and a baby before marriage. HA! Amazing how societal rules are hard for her to get beyond even all these decades later.

One of God's Commandments is to honor thy parents, so I don't push the issue about my sexuality. Mom knows I'm a lesbian but doesn't want to talk about it. And I'm finally okay about her not wanting to talk. I understand her way better than she understands me. Sometimes I even know what she will say before she says it. I don't like it when she puts herself down because she didn't finish high school. There is more to intelligence than book learning. She has a big ole heart and the older she gets, her heart has not changed even if her brain can't remember where she put something once in a while. She has a lot of memories stored in her head, so not putting the house keys back in her bag is not really a big deal.


I think she worries about me being alone when she is no longer here. She doesn't ask about a certain someone that I've posted about before, so right now, as far as she knows, there isn't anyone I'm interested in. When we saw a tv commercial about a dating service she said that wasn't safe, so she would not approve of me seeking a woman by way of the web. I've told her about some of the women (web-friends) I've corresponded with on-line. She doesn't know about the summer fling but she does know that we were on-line with each other till daybreak many times. Mom has no interest in the computer except when she wants me to look up the lottery numbers. HA!

I would very much like to meet a woman (with no drama). Mom thinks I'm a push-over and I just let people use me. I want to show her that not all women are the same and I can be with someone who really wants only me. (Now if I can just fine one -- just one will do.)

Mom's attitude isn't just coming from the hetero-angle since she doesn't seem very fond of female-male relationships either. And I know that it comes from her own personal experiences. She tells me bits and pieces, enough to let me know that she wasn't always 'just Mom'. When she does say a few words about my father, she doesn't put him down.

When I was a girl, I was always attracted to older women. Now that I'm older, maybe I need to rethink the issue of not getting involved with a younger woman. I simply want a woman who is not afraid to be who she is -- and can love me more than she fears what others will say about it. Is that too much to want and expect?

Sheroe

One day, I walked up behind Sheroe, turned my back to her's, close but not touching. When she looked over her shoulder, I kept shifting. She was talking to someone else so I just said hi and walked off. Women were watching, and I just smiled. I like messing with people. I rode with my cousin from work one day. Sheroe sat up front and I was in back with a woman and a man. The woman sat between me and the guy. She put her head on my shoulder and I could see cousin glancing back. When I got out of the car, Sheroe held out her hand to me. I wouldn't touch her, for one I was dirty from work and felt grimy and she looked so clean. The other reason, I just stared in her eyes but didn't touch her, cause I knew it wouldn't stop with a touch. Just for information, she wasn't the one I was sitting beside during break. I occasionally saw her mother before clocking in, and I asked her once how was her lovely daughter. It just slipped out. On another day, when I drove, cousin sat beside me, and Sheroe sat in back with the other two. Our eyes kept meeting in the rear view mirror. After the plant closed down, one day, with cousin and her kids, we ran into Sheroe. Sheroe stood close to me and then finally put her elbow on my shoulder. Okay, she wanted to touch me, and I wanted that touch. Nothing overt to get the attention of mall shoppers. She probably gets the same as I do when we're with women not in the life - can't get but so close unless they initiate body contact first. A woman from church, who I had not seen in a long while, but had heard that she had not been well, gave me a strange look when I embraced her outside a grocery store. I was just happy to see her. Since when is a simple hug suppose to be flirting? When a guy hugs me, which I don't get often, I know the difference between a flirt and a hello hug. Maybe the next time I see Sheroe, I'll give her a hug and see what happens. (wink) I'm trying to get the confidence to take on women again. The country song with the line - been lonely too long - just started repeating in my head. I'm going to see if YouTube has the video.

Break Time

I'm shy. No really, I am, but I'm working on it. Anyway, I use to go on break and sat alone, but a co-worker would sometimes have her break at the same time, and sit with me. She worked the line right behind me but would sometimes come to mine to talk. We were so easy with each other. After the rumor started, someone asked if I was gay, and the woman said nobody here was gay. Whether to protect herself or me, I don't know. Soon after that she stopped working at the plant.

One day on break, I sat beside a woman and the attraction was obvious to watchers, without either of us being overt. Okay, maybe me looking into her eyes and panning her up and down was obvious. HA! I couldn't help it.
My cousin was sitting a distance behind me at another table, but she wasn't watching me when I glanced over my shoulder, but she saw it. I'll not tell you how I know that. Others were watching us too. With no tv there, I guess we were the show. It was like we were on center stage. Leaning beside her locker as we were getting ready to leave work, I felt like I was in high school. On another time, she came into the locker room and said - hi girlfriend. I had two emotions going on at the same time, one was standing with my chest out, HA! and the other was shhh, not so loud. If you haven't guest it yet, this was my best friend. The big flirt.

Making Homos

Another rumor is out about an actress being a l-word because she kissed a female friend in public, maybe. The article wasn't clear if it was her -- could have been misidentification.
she's laughing off rumors / those lesbians only wish / who cares
Even if she did kiss a female in public, so what??? When are heterosexuals going to grow up enough to accept that homosexuals do exist, so they don't have to keep trying to make heterosexuals homosexuals. Two people of the same gender kissing does not mean that they are homosexual. Real lesbians touch lips with men, that doesn't make us heterosexual. Grow up. Dang, I know that heteros like fantasizing about lesbians, but come on. If they want to see real homosexuals showing affection in public then stop making us outlaws. Then we could get legally married, hold hands in public, and even kiss each other hello and goodbye at airports and train stations without fear of being beat down or killed. Real lesbians being affectionate with each other is way more exciting than the fake ones, believe me.
I was with Mom one day, shopping and I gave her a hundred dollars. She hugged me and heads were turning. Nobody wrecked. Mom made a comment that people would think we were going together. Dang, my Mom can't hug me in public without causing a stir. What is this world coming to when people can't openly show each other affection.
What is this thang about being so concerned about someone else's sexuality? I want to know a woman's sexuality only if I'm interested in dating her. Other than that, I don't care.
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Add on: The actress insist that she's into men only. Well, I insist I'm into women only. So why does she have the right to get legally married and I don't?

Ready For A Change

The sun is out. Ya! I'm going a little stir crazy, spending so much time inside. My car is fickled, works when it wants to, now I don't want to take it out. It cost me $100 to have it towed because it cut off on me in traffic. Now that it's back in the driveway, it doesn't cut off when taken out of park. The insurance company only reimbursed half of what it cost to have it towed, and that was less the monthly payment. I feel ripped off. Mom is better, and has stopped leaving the kitchen sink running. And she hasn't left the stove turned up full blaze and walked away in a while, so hopefully, I'll be able to go out for more than just a trip to the store -- if that dang car will behave and stop acting like a girlfriend. Maybe I will, maybe I won't take you for a ride. Maybe I'll just leave you stranded. I'll get money out of you one way or another. Hmm, how bad is it, comparing a vehicle to a woman? Yeah, time to get some fresh air.

Teens Today

Tonight a neighbor came over after work to talk because she was ticked-off about something that happened at work. Her teen daughter came over and did not speak when she came in. Part of me wants to think she's just a rude teen, but I have a feeling that she doesn't like that her mother comes often to my house, especially when I'm home. My neighbor doesn't come to see me, but visits with my mother. Most of the time, if I'm home when she visits, I'm in my library, but will occasionally go sit and join the conversation. I know that my neighbor has been having trouble with her daughter's too-grown-for-her-britches attitude, so I don't say anything. Why are young people these days so rude and destructive? They are spoiled rotten, given too much and do very little, and have such bad attitudes. My teen nieces stayed here two nights. Neither took out the over-ran kitchen trash that they helped generate or touched the broom. They are constantly on the house phone and cell phones. And what's with the whispering. When they speak to each other they talk too loud or they whisper like they don't want me to hear what they are saying. Why can't they whisper all the time, because I don't want to hear anything they say to each other? When I was a kid, I had hand me downs and had to deal with my major issue alone. But I wasn't rude or disrespectful or distructive. I'm glad my nieces seem to be pass their disrespectful stage, at least when they're in my house. I think they learned their lesson when I banned them from visiting. They disrespected Mom, and I wouldn't stand for that and told them they couldn't come back until they changed their attitude. Now one or the other and sometimes both will come over when they get bored at home. Like there's something exciting going on here. But they get the livingroom, the tv, and the phone. When they're here, I feel better, noise and all, because I know where they are -- home.

ALL MY GHOST

All my ghost they find me - like my past they think they own me - all the bridges that you burn come back one day to haunt you - one day you're find you'll walking lonely - love feels right work it out - don't give it up baby - anybody tell you that - you should take some time before you throw it all away - Tracy Chapman "Bridges"

I want a woman who will love me in her heart with the same passionate fury she feels for me in her ...... I want a woman to mean it when she says she loves me. I want a woman who looks at me with passion in her eyes when we are dining out and continues that look when she's over me, in me, under me. I want a woman to walk beside me like that's her natural place to be.

Not Just My Story

I can't seem to write much about the women in my past except in the form of a poem. It's easier to write little tidbits about the guys and maybe it's because they didn't really matter. I tell myself that the women don't matter either, but that's obviously not true since I'm still concerned about protecting their reputations. My story is not just my story.

At times I think that I shouldn't have posted the one about my Mom or about my friend. Would my friend feel like I betrayed her in some way by making it public how I feel about her even though she has only been a friend to me? Sometimes I think I tell too much and other times I think I'm too vague and that people will not understand the poems. Sometimes I feel like I'm way outside the loop of the lesbian culture. I saw the movie "I Am Legend" the other day onDemand. The thing that got me with that story was the isolation he felt. There were other people in the city but they were all the same kind -- and even though he was the "normal" one, he was the odd one." That's pretty much how I've felt my whole life -- like the odd one. But I also think I'm lucky because I knew myself early and had the strength to not settle for "normal" according to hetero-standards.

I've read post by women who settled or wonder if they should settle for "normal". When I read post like that, I hope those women will read some of my poems and know that on my side of the road, it maybe lonely at times, but it's possible to be happy being what you really are to the core. So, if one person reads anything here that makes them feel better about themselves, then it was worth opening myself up a little and letting people peek inside.

My story is just one, and even though I haven't found my other half yet, I've linked to other blogs that have lez women who are in relationships. Reading their stories keep me hopeful, so maybe it will inspire other women who haven't found their other half yet. Life is never dull.

MY FRIEND MISSY

Missy isn't her real name. I like to watch her walk. When I would tell her to turn for me, she would, and I'd just enjoy the view.
My Mom wanted to meet the two women that I had started to talk about. And one in particular, because she could tell by the way I spoke about Missy that this one was extra special. Finally, Mom was showing some interest. Missy came to breakfast at my home. It's just me & Mom. Missy, sitting to my right, reached out to touch my hand when we were eating. She quickly withdrew it. Mom likes her, further surprising me, because she usually doesn't like who I like.

I invited both women to lunch. We met at a Chinese restaurant and Missy sat across from me. My mother was with us at the restaurant so that there were four of us getting better acquainted. I asked "Why am I the only one crunching", and Missy replied "You're the only one eating onions". And I laughed because I knew I wasn't going get kissed anyway. In the parking lot after our meal, Missy gave me a look that made me want to follow her home.

Missy & me got even closer by spending so many hours together at work. I found out more and more about her but she didn't find out much about me because I couldn't talk about myself. I told her she could ask me anything and I'd answer honestly, but she didn't. I couldn't wait to get to work each day. Because of Missy I had awakened again and was feeling what I thought I was beyond feeling ever again. I was falling in love with her.
Naw, I had fallen for her before the end of last season.

She would flirt with me like she flirted with the guys except she would make body contact with me. She'd pass behind me and brush her shoulder across my back. She'd stand close beside me. The plant was cold in winter, and when I told her to come sit by me later and get warm, she did. She sat so that her knee would touch mine. She was so close, I would look at her bottom lip, right-side corner, and want to kiss her there. I gave Missy a Christmas gift that she liked because she walked right up to me at work,
took my face in her hands and said something -- I don't know what. If she would have kissed me -- then and there -- in front of people ...

I said "A little warmth." Missy said, "My hands are cold". I said, "It's not your hands I'm talking about."

One day, Missy was sitting on my stool when I walked up. I massaged her coated back and because I thought I had did it too hard, I said, "I have a softer tough, but haven't used it in a while". A little after that when Missy passed me, she massaged my shoulders. People could see how we were around each other -- nothing overt -- but there was an energy. Others witnessed it, but nobody said anything to us.

Missy told me stories about her ex-boyfriends. I would ask for a story and she would tell me. I told her I didn't know why I wanted to know -- that I wasn't usually interested in other peoples relationships. I was worried that Missy might not understand her attraction to me. And would do something sexual with one of the three guys that wanted her. I told her that I never wanted to hear about it if she ever did it with her friend. She had told me that she wasn't sexually attracted him -- but questions/fear -- can make
people do things to prove something to themselves. I wanted to say don't worry it's just the y in me.

The male friend was in love with her. I've seen him a few times. Once day, Missy came to see me on her break. He came to see her on his break. Missy leaned close to me and gave me a look, and I said "go ahead". The look he gave me -- at first I thought he had heard the rumor(s) and would maybe warn her to stay away from me. I think he felt the closeness between Missy and me. Some things can't be hidden. One night, Missy and me walked up to him sitting in his car. He gave me a similar look. I didn't linger.

I did an Ellen thang -- dropped clues without just saying it. I told her I wanted to ask her out but she was always tired. This was her other job. One night at work, Missy's back was sweating and I wiped it with a paper towel. But I couldn't keep my hand under that shirt. She asked about a massage, and I told her that I couldn't give her one because I was single and hadn't touched anyone in a long time. So many times I wanted to just tell her about myself and tell her how I felt about her. We were feeling each other.

A guy who tried to get close to me -- really liked her. He came to see her during his break. He would stand close and talk in her ear. I wouldn't look at them. Once when he left she said he was 'hard as a rock'. I can't compete with that -- so I don't try. She had gone to his apartment once and they had kissed. She asked if I wanted details if she ever had sex with him. First I said no -- then yes -- I kind of knew that she probably never would
have sex with him. She had told me often enough that she wasn't sexually attracted to him. I was still concerned that she might be confused.

One night when we were leaving the work, I noticed a guy checking Missy out. I told her she had another admirer and that she would be getting a visit soon. The next day, the guy came to see her. He started coming every day on his break. He stood close and whispered in her ear. She had told him that I could read lips -- so he stood so that I couldn't. And I wasn't trying to -- I would look anywhere but at them. I didn't want to interfer, but I did one night tell her to be careful of him. He was smooth. I told her I didn't want her hurt. She appreciated my concern. One night after this guy had left, She leaned into me as she passed to go on break. (We couldn't take break at the same time because we worked the same line.) That motion told me that she understood how I was feeling.

Working at the same belt, only about 5 feet across from each other, sometimes our hands would touch while we were sorting. A couple of times, I actually moved further down the line to put distance between us. I was very close to saying something and she would try to get me to say something. She's a flirt. (I kept thinking, ease up on me.) And hmmm, one day while working, just listening to her voice turned me on -- and I mean
really. I had to take a restroom break. No, didn't do anything other than put cold water on my face to try to cool down. It had been a while since someone had gotten to me, and she did without even physically touching me. Sometimes when we were leaving the work, she would purposely move on the wrong side of me, so that I had to put my hands on her. Once, after clocking out, we stopped in the break room and she put popcorn in the microwave. For someone so small, she liked to eat. Munching, she said "mmmm" and I just looked at her. I don't know if I said it aloud, but I sure was thinking, "don't do that, I'm going home alone". I want to be the one to get her to make that sound.

On another night, after work, we were standing at her car. We were talking and I was fighting the urge to touch her. There was a different feel, being outside, with the moon over us. Then the 'smooth' guy came up. I looked skyward and said hunter's moon and she acknowledged that she understood what I meant. I went to my car and drove away leaving them alone. She had to go to her next job, so couldn't have talked to him long.
But I was a little irritated. The brief time in the parking lot felt so good.

I was concerned about someone saying something to Missy because we were friends but she was oblivious or just didn't care what people said. I had told her that I didn't want her hurt because she knew me. And if being friends with me made her life complicated, (she has family), and she couldn't deal, all she had to do was call and say goodbye, no explanation needed. That way, I would know not to call, or expect her to just show up at any time. She's not much on calling, except to see if I'm home before she got here.

I hadn't seen or spoken to Missy in a while. Mom had a doctor's appointment and I took her. While in the waiting room, Missy came from the back and wow she looked good. She sat beside me so that her knee touched mine. She didn't care that people were there including Mom, and I sure as heck didn't. I was trying not to grin like the Cheshire cat. A guy I knew came in, zoomed Missy, walked right pass me with no
acknowledgement, to stand in front of her. She ignored him. One of the women at the reception desk kept looking at me. We didn't get to talk long because she had somewhere else to go and I had to escort Mom to the back. I walked with Missy to the glass doors and she reached for me. I always have to restrain myself when she hugs me. Days later when we spoke on the phone I asked her about the guy and she said "what guy". Damn, that made me feel good.

It has been months and months since I last saw Missy. She doesn't live in town. The last time we spoke on the phone, she told me to keep calling her. I don't know what's up, she doesn't share everything with me. She is use to handling things on her own. I know she was having some financial difficulty. It's the time we're living in now. I use to ask her if there is anything I could do to help and she always said no. I don't ask anymore. So I wait with the hope that she'll call to say hello, or to say she's in town and wants to see me.

I miss my friend.

HOOKED ON A FEELING

nothing to be shy about - nothing we have to lie about - hope this feeling don't confuse you - what can i do with this feeling - hooked on your love, sweet love


I don't know who wrote the words but it's a song from the movie "Sparkle". Some of you will know this title from way back. Copy and paste this title --Sparkle (HQ) Hooked On Your Love -- onto any video screen and take a look/listen. Irene Cara, Lonette McKee, Dwan Smith are sisters and Mary Alice plays their mother. Sparkle is one of my favorite movies. The ladies looked real fine in those red dresses. Listen to the words and remember back to when you first got 'hooked on this feeling'. Phillip Michael Thomas (Miami Vice) and Dorian Harewood are handsome but I wasn't swooning over them all those years ago. It was the women who had my attention.