I Am Who? (and what do i want)

I recently found out what the big secret was concerning my birth. My name on the birth certificate has me with Mom's maiden name. As it turns out, my mother was not married to my father when she had me. Since she did not want to talk about it, I was thinking that maybe the other guy was my father. Now I look at her and laugh because she still doesn't want to talk about it. Oh the shame of it all -- having sex and a baby before marriage. HA! Amazing how societal rules are hard for her to get beyond even all these decades later.

One of God's Commandments is to honor thy parents, so I don't push the issue about my sexuality. Mom knows I'm a lesbian but doesn't want to talk about it. And I'm finally okay about her not wanting to talk. I understand her way better than she understands me. Sometimes I even know what she will say before she says it. I don't like it when she puts herself down because she didn't finish high school. There is more to intelligence than book learning. She has a big ole heart and the older she gets, her heart has not changed even if her brain can't remember where she put something once in a while. She has a lot of memories stored in her head, so not putting the house keys back in her bag is not really a big deal.


I think she worries about me being alone when she is no longer here. She doesn't ask about a certain someone that I've posted about before, so right now, as far as she knows, there isn't anyone I'm interested in. When we saw a tv commercial about a dating service she said that wasn't safe, so she would not approve of me seeking a woman by way of the web. I've told her about some of the women (web-friends) I've corresponded with on-line. She doesn't know about the summer fling but she does know that we were on-line with each other till daybreak many times. Mom has no interest in the computer except when she wants me to look up the lottery numbers. HA!

I would very much like to meet a woman (with no drama). Mom thinks I'm a push-over and I just let people use me. I want to show her that not all women are the same and I can be with someone who really wants only me. (Now if I can just fine one -- just one will do.)

Mom's attitude isn't just coming from the hetero-angle since she doesn't seem very fond of female-male relationships either. And I know that it comes from her own personal experiences. She tells me bits and pieces, enough to let me know that she wasn't always 'just Mom'. When she does say a few words about my father, she doesn't put him down.

When I was a girl, I was always attracted to older women. Now that I'm older, maybe I need to rethink the issue of not getting involved with a younger woman. I simply want a woman who is not afraid to be who she is -- and can love me more than she fears what others will say about it. Is that too much to want and expect?