Father Figure

She told me he use to proudly carry me around.
I guess the novelty wore off.
He went off -- left her -- left me -- left town.
Again -- for good.
He called every few years.
One day she made me say hello.
I didn't like what he said.

One evening, an old friend of hers came to visit.
I think he was trying to get up the nerve to tell me
What I didn't want to hear.
He picked up on my attitude (she'd probably warned him)
And let it drop.
I knew him as her old friend.
That's all I would allow him to be -- to me.

When I look at his picture
I think I have his forehead and his nose
Do I have his blood?
Don't know -- don't care.

The last she heard of them
They were both -- deceased
One was murdered
She got divorced from a dead man. (lawyers)
She draws his social security
How did she feel?
I didn't ask -- and she didn't say
The name on my birth certificate is hers
Not either of theirs
I asked her once about it
She wouldn't answer.
(They hurt her.)

My mother's husband
My mother's lover
Sperm donors
Didn't give a dime
Didn't give a damn.
----------
NOTE: The first woman in my life that I love the most, and this is all that I have written about her.

TOMORROW

For nights I don't sleep
And when I do
I awake shaking
With this body aching for you
Into my pillow it's your name I scream
Because again you've invaded my dream
My thoughts are cloudy and confused
I'm a lost soul
My mind is tormented and bruised
Bodiless voices whisper -- it's wrong
I fight the feeling -- but it's so damn strong
My sheets are wet with tears and sweat
To a dark ceiling sky I cry
WHY?

As a storm rages outside my window
And in my heart
I pound my chest silently screaming
It's the wrong part
Lighting flashes
My body thrashes
My resolve crashes
I'm alone
Will I always be
No joyful future do I see
What does tomorrow hold for me?
---------
NOTE: This was written long ago. The why is -- why is it wrong to like girls. Over the years, there have been times when I've had that aching feeling, and times when I have awakened with a smile because of a very nice dream. Sometimes the storm rages in my heart from not being able to be with a woman I like and who likes me. But some women just can't step over that invisible line, or will but cross back. Dang, it would be nice to have a gay bar in this town. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only single lesbian in this town.

NOTE: Some of these writings of mine I wasn't going to post, but after reading so many post from women/girls just now dealing with this issue, I'm putting it all on my blog. And maybe it will help someone, who feel like they are the only one experiencing wonder and pain. --Salty

THE HATERS

the voice said -- nobody likes you -- come with me
i said -- i love me
the voice groaned
i said -- back to hell you
the voice grew weaker
the tightness in my heart eased
the more i loved me -- the weaker it became
the more i smiled -- the louder it groaned
the more i loved
the more it faded - faded - faded
until it was
gone
======2
They hate me for loving.
They hate -- I love.
The darkness never sleeps for them. It licks them long and hard.
The haters are jealous, because they don't know what love & desire is.
They want my blood to try to extinguish the fire of hatred
burning their souls.
They want me to be their sacrifice.

(Untitled #2)

she said we choose to be gay

i object on the grounds that her statement is
incompetent, irrelevent, immaterial, prejudicial, and stupid.
======
i was born an angel -- i clipped my own wings -- stepped into open space when i saw your pretty face
======
she said -- "you seem familiar have we met before'

"Yes, you dreamed me."
======
going along, to get along -- choking on that silent scream -- I took the rage down to the river -- and watched it flow away -- the hollowness is taking a long time to heal

LAY BESIDE ME

Lay beside me
let me gaze upon your beauty
i can't take my eyes away

I can write a poem about
what i see when i look at your
eyes - lips - breast - arms - thighs - butt
these words can describe anyone

what words can explain
how you make me feel
tingly - hungry - thirsty - hot

your luscious body makes me wanna
kiss -touch - taste - hold
and protect

your smile -- your kiss
the way you look at me
and hold me
makes me want to simply say
I LOVE YOU

i can't take my eyes away
let me gaze upon your beauty
Lay beside me

WILL SHE

every now and then the sun is hidden by clouds
or it's on the other side of the world
i might not be able to feel the suns rays
or see the sun
but it's there
it's always there
i'm always here
waiting
expecting a rainbow
wanting to follow it
north -- to her winding road

sometimes i wonder
wonder what she's doing today
will i see her this weekend
did my letter confuse her
make her wonder
does she think of me
as much as i think of her
since we've met
not a day goes by that i don't think of her
will she call and say let's have lunch
or maybe she will invite me to her home again
and maybe she will light the fireplace
and maybe we will snuggle and get better acquainted

time is passing - tick - tick - tick
is she tired of being alone
is she tired of her male admirers
that she says doesn't interest her
will she try me
or will we just remain
friends
will she let me be her birthday gift this year

INSTINCT

It's another day
You survived the long night
See the sun
And to the right -- the moon
While it's light
You go on with your life
But it'll be dark soon
When again, you will leave your safe cocoon
To feed your desire -- to stop the fire
Consuming your flesh
Burning your blood
The rush is on -- you can't stop
It's like trying to clean up a flood
With a sponge & mop
If only you could halt time
Or turn it back
To when you first stepped off track
Could then your tears cease
Maybe your anger -- your pain
Quick! You're in danger
Outside your cage
Don't think about it too long
Follow your instinct -- stay strong
Only after you feast
Can you control the beast
And sleep
=====
NOTE: I was reading a vampire novel when I took pen in hand. It goes with the story and kind of how I feel sometimes. And just in case someone is wondering, stepping off track isn't about being a lesbian. There are times when things change in life and it happens without conscious thought. This poem was written over a decade ago. But it could apply right now, seeing that I'm in a rut as I write this note. I don't know exactly when or how it happened. And how do I get out -- make a change?

ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT

it's after 3am
i'm alone in my queen bed
the train's gentle rumble
vibrates through the earth
the walls, floors, bed seem to exhale
not wanting to think -- to need
i shout to my beagle -- shut up
her house is under my window
we are both lonely
the canines let loose at night
howl -- yet ignore her
i know the feeling girl
standing on the porch
looking at constellations
my sensitive skin tingles from the brisk breeze
i hope it's a wind of change
settle down girl
more for me than my beagle
not a good night
another sleepless night.

PLAY IT OUT

close your eyes -- tight
bang your head -- thinking you're crazy
wishing you were dead
feeling so alive
shaking - swearing - stomping
can't believe with who you've been romping

mistake #1 -- you looked too long
mistake #2 -- you returned the smile
mistake #3 -- you got too close

now you're haunted by
the sweet smelling ghost that comes in the night
now your life is a mystery
secret meetings -- hangup phone calls
putting your few friends down
your time is precious

the rock was gentle
so was the touch
the roll was wild
never have you wanted so much
you are lost
following a sweet trail

careful -- don't wanna be found out
but you can't stop
until you know what it's about
until you figure it out
play it out

SURRENDER

You stole my heart -- I was afraid to give it
But you are unique -- I surrendered
Now it's a place in your heart I seek
A dwelling -- take me in -- comfort me
I can be more than a friend
Your lover kept under cover

Hold on before we go too far
Let's think about the consequences
The wall -- the fences
The desire -- the hellfire
Our souls -- the hate -- our fate
Don't come near -- if you're not sure
I want you without fear -- your eyes lure
Your scent is bait
Touch me and it's the end of the wait
I'm captured by your charms
If you dare -- step into my arms
There will be no more fighting the urge
In our desire we will submerge
Let me make love to you in the rain
Let me kiss away your pain
Let the thunder echo our cries of passion
Why wait -- our love will never be in fashion

Now is the time -- the moments right
Our bodies rhyme -- this is the night
You want me -- I see it in your eyes
Invite me -- accept your prize
I ache to the bone -- I burn deep inside
We are alone -- let me slide
Cover your flesh with mine
Let me enter -- touch your center
Feel your fire -- taste your cream
Consume your desire -- make you scream
Take you higher than your craziest dream

Sweetly kiss me -- tenderly touch me
Shockingly thrill me
Your breath pass my lips
As I search with clumsy fingertips
No -- we will not stop tonight
Everything is perfect and right
As we make a wish on the brightest star
I see no fear in your eyes
I feel the warmth of your touch
And know you want me just as much
Our hearts pound -- moans & groans escape
Mingling with the mystic night sounds
We're the only beings in the world
I am you -- you are me
Tonight we open the cage and go
FREE.

SINGED

The strange exciting touch made me flush
I want more -- much more
I'm tired of crying
And laying in this bed alone
Praying - denying - dreaming - screaming
Waiting - tossing - turning - burning

I'm no angel -- I don't have wings
I'm no demon -- I don't have horns
I'm no bird -- don't cage me
I'm no longer a child
Gone are those carefree days of running wild
I'm no flower - no weed - or the wind
I'm a woman who needs
A lover - a friend

Your touch ignited a flame
Singed my brain -- do it again
Until the ardor dissolves my chains
If I could -- away from the fire I'd stay
I wouldn't answer the call -- come play
But this is no child's game
Those days are gone
I'm fully grown -- mentally strong
And no longer want to be alone

TELL THEM ALL TO KISS IT

Tell your folks you love me.
Tell the others to go to hell.
I'm the one who rings your bell.
You'll the one who soothes my mind
And makes my fears quit.
They are judgemental hypocrits.

Your friends weren't friends at all.
I saw how they shunned you in the hall.
Couldn't they see the love in your eyes?
No - they turned away
As you said your good-byes.
As you passed there were laughs & jeers
I saw your choked back tears
I heard your jagged sigh
Yet you held your head high.
Tell them all to kiss it.
No wait -- that's my pleasure.
We don't have to take their shit.
You're my friend - my lover - my treasure.
Let's leave this place.

We can make it babe
If we stick to the plan.
Just keep holding my hand.
We'll hit the open road -- explore this beautiful land
We can travel all day or play in the sun.
Some day we won't have to run.
At night I'll keep you warm in my arms.
Our life together has just begun.

I know it hurts -- I feel it too.
They don't understand -- I love you.
Yesterday - I fought hard against this
But now I know
A moment in your arms is sweet bliss.
If I had a choice tomorrow
Could change my heart -- no thanks
It would mean losing you
And that would tear me apart
I'll stay the same
Anything else would be admitting shame
Oh sweet darling -- that's not what I feel
This love is real.

I love you.
No three small words
Said a thousand times a day could ever convey
What's genuine -- believe it
What's pure -- feel it
What's natural -- live it.

For those who stare
Because our love isn't hidden
When unknowing cruel fools say
Our love is forbidden
Tell them all to kiss it
No wait -- that's my pleasure
We don't have to take their shit
You're my friend - my lover - my treasure

This world is small
But we're search for our place
Let's tear down walls
And claim our space.

THE TOKEN

choking it down
spitting up cotton
the seal is broken
all the sacred fruit is rotten
take this small token
wear it over your chest
don't lose or pawn it
one day you will know the rest
remember this
every obstacle is a test

TO EASE THIS PAIN

i heard with my own ears
in your sleep
you called his name
i saw with my own eyes
his hands were on you
if you did nothing wrong
then why apologize
now you have to chose
you don't want to hurt me
does that mean i lose?
what should i say?
what more can i do?
with each breath
i'm loving you more
go on and take the easy way
the sooner you say
the sooner you go
then time can begin
to ease this pain

(untitled #1)

i surrender when you said you loved me
later you cried that you wanted your chance
and begged me to not make trouble
to understand
a piece of me died as i silently watched
someone else take your hand
i choked back tears
as you traded vows & wedding bands
--------2
when fear clouds your mind
and lust burns your blood
and love pumps your heart
you are thinking of me

TWO

I heard that you were back in town
And looking fine with your hair down.
You've been asking about me
I'm wondering why
Since you left without saying goodbye
No I won't meet you
There's nothing to talk about
Now that I know why you skipped out
You're not alone -- so I was told
You had a boy on your hip
Maybe a year old
Damn right I'm upset
I'm not over you yet
Before I was your lover -- I was your friend
First I held out -- then I gave in
Because your kiss was fire
And you said you loved me
So I trusted
But it was for more than your body that I lusted
I believed your words and eyes
But they were only telling me lies
Almost two years have come and gone
Since you left me alone
It's now perfectly clear why you suddenly left here
I wasn't the only one as you said
Someone else had the pleasure of being in your bed
Our lovemaking was unprotected and wild
But we could never make a child.

YOUR EYES

Even before you packed your eyes told me
you were gonna leave.
Your farewell kiss
was worst than a Victoria Barkley slap.
It would be easier parting if the love had died.
Your Mama acts like I stole something.
I only took what you gave me honey.
All that I possessed -- I shared with you.
But my strength alone wasn't muscular enough
to carry me and you and hatred too.

YOUR FIRST FEMALE LOVER

I am your first female lover.
When you're feeling alone,
Call me on the phone.
And when you hear my voice,
You'll know you're on course.

I am your first female lover.
It was I who made your body tremble
Under the cover.
You hid from me,
Under the cover.
But I found you and exposed you,
Brought out the real you,
From under the cover.

I am your first female lover.
Many times I brought you joy and ecstasy.
You learned to do the same for me.

I am your first female lover.
You will remember me always,
I hope with a smile.
Please never dread,
You became your true self,
In my arms,
On my bed.

YOUR OPT

you said -- don't lets part angry
i said -- i'm not angry
why should i be angry?
it's twice now
that you've made me soar
then dropped me without a parachute
it's always been your opt
you say when
you say where
you say goodbye
again
all good things -- said i
must end -- said you
i wish for you
all good things -- said i
goodbye
goodbye
this time i won't cry
i won't cry
i won't
goodbye

WITH A WHISPER

I don't want to go
But I'm afraid to stay
Follow me to the door
Convenience me that its' okay
You know that I like you
Read my eyes
You know that I need this
Please baby -- no lies
Touch me and I'll stay
Until night becomes day
Kiss me -- taste my tears
Hold me -- soothe my fears
I want this so much
With a whisper & a touch
You could blow my mind
Please be kind
Don't rush -- take me slow
I'm afraid -- but I need to know
Tonight I give myself to you
Tomorrow, don't put my name in the street
Keep it between us
The stain on your sheet
Let the memory be sweet
For you are my first lover you see
So you will always be a part of me.