YEAH !

my mind never clicks off
i don't sleep for days
then for two or three hours
analytical dreams

somedays it takes all my will
just to get out of bed or into bed
i fight depression -- i fight loneliness
i've abstained -- i fight giving up

today -- the same as yesterday -- last year
no job -- no sympathy -- no acceptance -- no warm arms
i have to break out

i'm the odd one -- i don't smoke -- i don't drink
till recently -- i didn't cuss
i can't stand my own foul mouth
maybe i'll try whiskey to numb the pain (nope)
or something else to numb the brain (nope)

you're reading this and thinking
she needs a good ****
YEAH!
but first I need a little good luck
then i could stand on my own
leave mama's castle
build my own kingdom
then i can ***.
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NOTE: (Put whatever words you feel comfortable with in place of the stars). I'm in a rut and don't know how I got here. I don't stress about money because I've been with and without it. In midlife, I have money in the bank, the house and car is paid for -- and I owe nobody. I'm less anxious about my wounded heart. I've learned that time will heal it -- if I stop picking at the scab. (I know this doesn't make much sense because I'm only telling bits and pieces.

NOTE: I've abstained means I was celibate, not for religious reasons though. And I' was fighting temptation because I need to be with someone who is ready to be with me, openly. I don't want to be someone's little secret anymore. I thought I had ... okay enough of this, I tell too much.