Tell It Like It Is

I am a single adult woman who has never had sexual intercourse with a man. If you've read my poetry then you know that I did try the guy thing. I have had only one official boyfriend -- I think I was 18 or 19. One night we were on the sofa making out, well, he was making out -- got a hand job. Anyway, we were kissing and he asked me why my eyes were open. All I was thinking was 'is this all there is?' Now if I can kiss a female and feel it, but couldn't with my boyfriend or any male that I kissed, how many males should I have tried with? You know a thing like that gives a girl a bad reputation. Which I had anyway. Guys like to kiss and tell. And I have no doubt that they were adding more than what actually happened between us. A friend of one guy I tried with, made a telling comment to me (in front of another girl). I didn't have to say a word, she shot his ass down. He walked away looking stupid. The boyfriend said something about a baby, and I still don't understand that, we hadn't being dating long. And he had never even gotten his hand inside my pants. I was so disconnected from him. I liked him, but like the other guys I couldn't FEEL him. He went into the service, we wrote each other once or twice then stopped.

In the previous post, a woman said she couldn't understand why we just couldn't marry someone of the opposite gender? I wonder if that's what she did?

I can't imagine giving myself to someone sexually, and getting no pleasure from it. I don't put down anything that consenting adults do sexually. Being adults, we make our own decisions about what we want out of life. I just think, why have sex, if you don't enjoy it. If I'm gonna do that, I want cash -- but wait, that's suppose to be illegal. HA! I'm addressing this from my perspective, having a limited idea of how other women really think. Now when having sex, yes, it can be one-sided with only one receiving release. But I can't see doing that throughout a marriage or a relationship.

I'm not very good about talking about myself. I've never had anyone who really was interested in what I was feeling or thinking. I realized I was 'different' when I entered kindergarten. I didn't know what the difference was, had no name for it, but felt it. In elementary school, I wrote my Mom a letter, wanting help, not able to articulate what I was feeling. I think she took it as a possible suicide note. But she never spoke to me about it. I ain't killing myself for nobody. But I was feeling the isolation, always feeling that people could see right inside me. So I put up a wall. I didn't become hard, just tried to protect myself. All these years later, I can still remember (feel) that aloneness.

I ran around with the boys, playing sports, and was as good as or better than they were at it. Then when I turned 13, my Mom told me that I had to stop playing with them. She didn't explain why. Like everything else, I had to figure it out on my own. The boys started touching me -- like I was a girl. HA! They can be disrespectful. I wonder if their mom or dad ever told them to not touch the girls. I remember my Mom telling me not to let the boys touch me. That's very one-sided. Why is it always okay for boys to try and
sometime succeed, but girls are never suppose to? I know why girls shouldn't, but it grates that boys get away with following their natural instincts. We all reach an age of change. My cousin tried to do something with this crazy hair of mine and put makeup on me. For a while I wore makeup only when going to church. My aunt pierced my ears. I don't wear makeup now, and the holes in my ears have closed. My Mom wants me to get my hair curled even now. I'm a woman, not fem or butch, just a woman.

I don't kiss and tell, at least by name. And I can't go into much detail, because some women are not 'out'. Damn, some of them are not lesbians. I had to figure that part out also, that sometimes women are attracted to me, and not to any other woman. Okay. It's The Y In Me. HA!

I like the word lesbian. LESBIAN. That's what I am. A woman who loves women. Now I don't have to physically sex a woman, to enjoy her. A smile, her hand or leg touching mine, it's all good. Or just talking. Women flirt and I'm sort of okay with it most of the time. But when I really like a woman and would like to get closer, the woman should stop if she doesn't really mean it. Now I can flirt in cyber-space way better than I can in real time. Being a lesbian (I always want to capitalize that word), I usually let the woman make the first move. I don't mind at all a woman standing close or leaning into me. Some women flirt with me and don't understand why. So I thread carefully.